Why do people want to fall in love?
Humans have basic needs for affection and connections, Wood said, and healthy romantic relationships can meet those needs. Whipple thinks love has a basis both in science and in cultural norms. Theories about love in evolutionary psychology focus mainly on biology and propagation of the species, Whipple said, while other theories look at cultural expectations and socialization.
Why may people have lifelong committed relationships when many other species do not?
Whipple said an area of the brain called the frontal lobe is more evolved in humans than in many other species. This area allows us to have a wide spectrum of emotions and allows us to bond deeply, plan things and understand social behavior ? all parts of dating and romance.
Why is college a common time to fall in love?
Proximity: Both experts say we?re more likely to fall for someone we see on a regular basis, and college throws lots of people together.
Similarity: Both say ?birds of a feather flock together? rings more true than ?opposites attract? when it comes to lasting love. People in college can easily find others with similar ambitions, values, interests, etc., due to classes, clubs and social gatherings.
Developmental aspects: Wood says college students are constructing their own identities, and relationships help them clarify and confirm those identities. College is also a time when people may be more willing to disclose intimate information, a bonding activity that can lead to love. Whipple also said college students are at an age when some of them just naturally think about dating in a more serious way.
Intensity: College is a time of heightened experiences, which can bond people whether they are dating, friends, roommates, etc.
What happens in our brains and bodies when we fall in love?
Whipple said parts of the brain get fired up during the early stage ? the same parts that fire when people are addicted to other substances. You get a rush of ?feel-good? hormones including dopamine, vasopressin, adrenaline and oxytocin, making you almost ?addicted? to your partner. During this phase, your body is more able to deal with missed sleep and the worries that can come from dating.
Wood said it?s also common to see couples at the start of a relationship unconsciously begin to match each other?s body language ? if one person leans in or tilts his or her head, the other might as well. ?That means they?re really engaged with one another.?
What?s the difference between the honeymoon phase and longer-lasting love?
Whipple said the honeymoon stage could last for up to two years. That doesn?t mean the brain is firing those hormones all that time, just that this period is intense and people are on their best behavior.
Whipple said the next stage is what she calls real love. ?Real love ? requires action. The romantic love doesn?t require action. It?s easy; it?s effortless. It?s falling in love ? you can?t will that to happen. Real love is when you act in a loving manner even when you don?t necessarily feel loving.? The hormones lose ground and the brain can make a conscious decision to be committed ? or back out of a relationship that isn?t working.
During this stage, you should not feel anxious about where you two stand and you can begin a deeper connection in which you fully trust your partner and can be your true self with him or her.
How can long-term couples maintain a passionate relationship?
?Do fun things!? Whipple said. She recommends date nights and trying new things together because spontaneous or exciting experiences can produce hormones similar to the ones released early in a relationship. If you can?t go out for a date, at least ?make sure you come together and talk about your day,? Whipple said. ?And that does not mean you talk about work or you talk about the kids! ? Talk about hopes, dreams, desires.?
Wood also recommends positive communication. She quoted research that has found couples who stay together tend to have a 5-to-1 or better ratio of positive-to-negative exchanges. For every act of criticism, defensiveness or anger, it takes about five compliments, affectionate touches, smiles or similar to rebalance the relationship. ?I tell people who are looking to stay in love, (you) just need to be nice to (your) partner!? She says couples who last understand and accept each other?s fighting styles, learn to pick their battles and always stay open to making the relationship better.
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